Kermit Porn

Dear T9,

I know my boyfriend must watch porn. We argue about him previously watching it because it made me feel distanced from him and inadequate. I am beginning to be more open however to the idea that he might need stimulation to masturbate when we are not together. He does not watch it often, and our sex life is very healthy. However, I still feel very uneasy about the subject and about him watching porn.

What makes me feel uneasy is that men must scout out specific porn to watch, and I don’t know (because after many arguments, the topic is off limits and taboo,) what he is ”into.”

From a guy’s perspective, one who watches porn occasionally, does this make guys feel any differently to their partners sexually?

My boyfriend claims it’s not a big deal and means nothing. But is this true? Does his watching other women make him think differently of me? Does it make him want somebody differently? Does this type of arousal make him wish I were different? Does he look at me more inadequately?

PLEASE HELP!

T9 Dishes Out Some Advice

Few things can cause as many relationship problems as discussions surrounding porn, and with all the intricacies of your current situation, there is really no easy answer. However, the fact that your sex life is healthy is a very good thing, and if sounds like you have good overall perspective on the situation.

Since your sex life is healthy, I doubt he sees you as inadequate or inferior, as he’d stop getting freaky with you if that were the case. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t still make you very self-conscious and that may be a point you want to raise. His inability to be forthright with you is making you feel substandard, and he needs to work to rectify that.

Your concern over his unwillingness to talk about the type of porn he prefers is very much justified, as even if he watches “a bit of everything” or “nothing specific,” the fact that he refuses to give you any insight is troubling. Even if he is into something slightly risqué (but legal), his inability to tell you the details or even a bit of description speaks to a lack of trust or comfort between the two of you. On the flip side, if he’s into something that is less than legal, that raises its own list of problems, and it can be even worse in the end.

However, getting him to actually disclose what it is that gets him going when you’re not around is far beyond tricky, as putting constant pressure or an ultimatum on him is just going to backfire. Also, attempting to snoop his browser history is a bit much, and chances are, he’s clearing it each time to be sure you don’t find out.

The best advice I can offer is to remind him that your relationship is a completely judgment-free space, and tell him you want to know his sexual fantasies, so perhaps you can fulfill them –with an emphasis on the perhaps.

Guys watching porn is almost inevitable in modern times, and the more open discussion you can have about it, the healthier your relationship will be. If he insists on keeping it completely secret, that’s pretty suspect, and may be the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Best of luck!