When you are first in a relationship, it is sooooo cool!!! Rainbows, butterfies and all that. However some do transform this new feeling into fear. This fear, which can take the form of jealousy or clinginess is generally a reflexive response to emotional trauma in past relationships, including with parents, siblings, and former lovers. Old wounds prevent one from feeling secure in the present. The boyfriend wants to keep you close enough and all to himself so that he can never lose that awesome feeling. Insecurity, however, can cause a lot of issues in a relationship. An insecure guy can tend to be overly jealous, make ridiculous accusations, constantly bombard you with calls and texts, or become moody at a moment’s notice.insecure

Insecure behavior lies along a broad spectrum, from mild peevishness to full-blown panic attacks. If your partner falls on the extreme end of that scale, professional counselling is needed. But if you are dealing with insecurities that are merely annoying, and you think your boyfriend is worth the effort; here is how to deal with him:

1. Study yourself:
We are often so quick to shift blame and finger point others for mistakes done. Sometimes, however, this person may be reacting to your own behaviour. Look inward and ask yourself; Am I a part of the problem? People who do not struggle with insecurity are often unaware how little it takes to trigger an avalanche of doubt in one who does. As such, these people inadvertently make things worse with thoughtless words and actions. Do not be one!

See if there are any ways that you may be contributing to his insecurities. Do you routinely fail to deliver on simple promises, like when you’ll call? Do you flirt with others? Does your idea of good-natured humor sometimes include poking fun him in public? Do you do things to make him jealous? Do you talk about past partners more than you should? Do you ignore him? Be honest and be ready to make appropriate changes. Make sure you’re not giving him reasons to distrust you, which may be adding to his insecurities.

If you are 100% sure that you are not contributing to how he’s acting, then stand your ground. Make sure you’re not giving up your friends or your life to make your guy feel more secure when you’ve given him no reason to distrust you.

2. Understand your partner’s feelings
Establishing that you are not to blame for him being all insecure, now try to help him (if you feel he is worth the effort). Most people who are not insecure do not really understand how deep rooted the feelings of jealousy or neediness go. They expect their partner to simply “get over it.” Not only is that approach uncharitable, it isn’t practical either. Insecurities are usually fuelled by painful memories.

You can be part of the solution by patiently creating the safest possible setting for real healing to occur. Start by over-communicating with your boyfriend. When an insecure person is forced to fill in the blanks, his assumptions are likely to be dominated by worry and doubt. Do your best to pre-empt that reflex.black-man-grabbing-black-woman

Be generous with your affection, don’t go overboard!! Try subtle gestures of affection. Just like we girls like being told we’re beautiful, guys like being told they look good too, whether they admit it or not. Don’t patronize him and make it obvious that you’re trying to boost his self-confidence, but if you notice he looks good, tell him! As medical research has demonstrated for years, the power of touch is a tremendous aid in healing from all sorts of wounds, physical and emotional. Hold his hand, stroke him; but don’t be overly touchy. Be conscientious about following through on promises and meeting your boyfriend’s reasonable expectations. Note that sometimes an insecure boyfriend’s expectations aren’t reasonable, and it is important to maintain your own boundaries.

Keeping your word and always doing your best is good practice in any relationship. This is even more important when you know your bf needs extra assurance. Also, try not to comment on other guys’ appearances when you’re around him as he may start comparing himself to them. Wait until he is less insecure.

3. Make him Communicate:
Be approachable; remind your guy that he can always communicate with you if he has jealous thoughts or feelings to help put his mind at ease. It can be annoying when your guy becomes jealous often, but try to remain calm. You may be surprised to find that your guy is upset over something you did that you didn’t realize was upsetting him and letting him know you’ll stop may fix the issue right away.

If however he continues to accuse you of things, let him know that the relationship is never going to work unless you listen and trust each other.

By Zahra