stomach

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Want to quickly know what others personality types really are… to help you decide whether to date, divorce, or have an affair with them, for example? Or maybe you wonder, “What personality type am I?” toward finding the ideal career or beverage for you.

Then closely watch what part of their body they first dry after showering… and pay attention to what part you first dry. Because that reveals more about personality type than absolutely anything else ever, according to a new study.

The study was conducted by watching hundreds of people I know of step naked and dripping wet out of their showers. The subjects included women from all geographic regions, income levels, and professions ranging in age from 18 or so to 44. So as not to influence their choices, the subjects had no idea they were being watched, studied, or video recorded. And here are the surprising results:
1. Dry Hair First
Those who dry their hair first after showering tend to be very logical, practical, and incredibly boring in bed. They once thought they would be models, but are now slightly overweight, quietly bitter at the world, and most likely to open fire on random people in a Chicken House. They are reliable and dedicated in their work, but are prone to cheating on their significant others when drunk and will typically use the alcohol as an excuse. (Ironically, while dull in bed with their committed partners, the hair-dryers become rather insane sexual beasts with their cheating partners.) Ideal careers for those who dry their hair first after showering include accountant, factory-line assembler, data entry clerk, sniper, and sweeper.

2. Dry Ears First
People who dry their ears first after showering think they really “get” other people, but they don’t. They think they’re witty, but they’re not. They think that if they really put their minds to it, they can achieve anything, but that’s not true especially for them. They think they’re sexy and they know it, but they’re not and they don’t. They’re wrong about everything, in fact, except one thing: they think they’re “survivors,” and that they are… but only in the same way that cockroaches are. If you know someone who thinks very highly of himself or herself, when actually they should be thinking very lowly if they were truly “in touch” with who they are, it is a sure thing that they dry their ears first after showering. Ear-dryers are the people it is ethical to make fun of. There are no ideal careers for the ear-dryers. If you dry your ears first after atypical shower, like this young woman is about to do, you don’t really “get it”… and the more you think you do, the more you don’t.

3. Dry Face First
People who dry their faces first after showering are true “take-charge” individuals. Whether they’re involved in a horribly dull corporate restructuring project, a pick-up game of bocci ball, or a vicious lynch mob, the face dryers will be right there at the forefront, leading the others to success. Still, other people don’t like them. One of many reasons is that face-dryers edge tremendously toward overindulgence that seriously disgusts the hell out of others: whether it’s excessive condiments, compliments, clapping, crack, or CAPITAL LETTERS in their texts, “way too much” always seems to be just the right amount for face-dryers. They’re drawn to the spotlight, to angrily yelling instructions at football players on TV who can’t hear them, to beef jerky, and to having heart attacks. Ideal careers include CEO, police officer, ShamWow! infomercial host, dictator, lynch mob organizer, and champion bowler.

4. Dry Neck First
Those who dry their necks first after showering are all cowards who sing well. They live their lives in fear of pretty much everything, attend counseling almost non-stop throughout their adult lives though it doesn’t get them anywhere except more broke, pick at their food like insects, and their incessant worrying makes it impossible for anyone else to truly love them. They think everything is a conspiracy against them, and usually it is. But again, they do sing well. Ideal careers include yodeler, telemarketer, auctioneer, house cleaner, and famous singer. If you dry your neck first after a typical shower, you like to sing in the shower and you’ll never find true love.

5. Dry Boobs First
The boobs first types are sweet and nurturing, but incredibly gullible and quite stupid overall. When you need help, those who dry their boobs first after showering are always there for you… and when you need to take advantage of someone, the boob dryers are also always there for you. They smile a lot… really a lot more than they should, which gets annoying and makes you want to take advantage of them. They bake well, tend to love TV, and have squeeky little annoying voices even if every other part of their body is massive. Boobs-first types make great babysitters, nurses, Starbucks baristas, and punching bags.

6. Dry Stomach First
Those who dry their stomachs first after showering are the most greedy obnoxious pigs you never want to meet — except if you’re piss drunk. They’re not funny when you’re sober, but they’re hilarious when you’re smashed, because they intentionally scare the neck-first-dryer types like the small Indian lady who works the late-night cash register at 7-11 and they insult parents’ babies to their faces. They do become very wealthy, but they achieve their riches “by any means necessary,” including fixed boxing matches, insurance scams on the elderly, and getting you to join the creepy multi-level marketing they’re top members of like Amway, Xango, Nikken and all that. They drive Cadillac Escalades and complain the truck’s not big enough, eat Wendy’s Triple Baconator and still have room for fries, but interestingly they cry excessively when listening to “sentimental songs”. Ideal careers for stomach dryers include union organizer, volleyball umpire, construction company owner, life insurance sales, scam artist, and asshole. Dry your belly first after a typical shower, then you’re a pig.

7. Dry Arms First
Those who dry their arms first after showering never found a sunny situation they couldn’t turn grey. Think Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh, think “Oh my GOD, why did they have to invite her to the party, there goes all the fun!” They even look like rain clouds. They love cats, and think cats love them though the rest of us know cats don’t love anyone, they’re only “nice” because they know who feeds them. Like almost everyone, the arm-dryers do have their good qualities, but no one knows what they are. They enjoy eating potatoes, so maybe that’s one. Ideal careers for those who dry their arms first include envelope stuffer, doomsday prophesy maker, ticket agent, KFC order taker, and dead.

8. Dry Hands First
People who dry their hands first after showering are control freaks. Scary bitches. “My way or the highway, muthafucka!” They act like they want to stab you if you drop a tortilla chip on the carpet and don’t immediately pick it up, and they stare at you with devil’s eyes for weeks if you accidentally placed an orange juice glass where the grapefruit juice glasses go. Yes, from head to toe they are awesome dressers, and they clean things amazingly well (including things no one else cleans ever, like ceilings, garden hoses, the backs of TVs, and even water heaters), but hands-firsters also like to lead religious cults, enslave people, and complete crossword puzzles. Ideal careers for hands-firsters include engineer, suicide bomber, mathematician, gangsta, grocery shelver, Vice President of Operations, and person who paints lines on roads. Those who dry their hands first after a typical shower, are most likely to enslave others.

9. Dry Back First
Those who dry their backs first after showering are the most creative and anti-establishment types, but they also tend to be the most cannibalistic serial killer types. They cannot ever be trusted. If you had a party that fifty people attended and one of them was a dry-back-first type, and you are now missing the three most valuable Smurfs worth over 3K each from your old Smurf figurine collection, you can be 110% certain it was the back-dryer. If anyone suspects a dry-back-first type of anything, in fact, they’re right. They’re exceptional at leading revolutions, though, at least until the opposing side has been wiped out and things need to get orderly. They paint nice. They tend to shower the second-least after ass-dryers and they stink. Ideal careers include artist, revolutionary war hero, and homeless.

10. Dry Ass First*
Despite their reputations, those who dry their ass first are not lazy. Or better put, not merely lazy… they’re totally worthless piece-of-lizard-poop slugs. In fact, those who dry their asses first also typically dry their asses last, because it’s the only part of their bodies they dry at all before deciding drying is “too difficult” and wouldn’t it be nice to grab some Chews and Coke and go sit on the couch “a while” and watch one episode a series, which of course means watching every other one in the CD “all day” until 1am, when they have to drag their fat pointless selves into their Memory Foam mattress beds that only remember how much even they can’t stand these waste-of-space-and-air blobs. Ideal careers for ass dryers include unemployed.

*Interestingly, those who dry the space up in between their buttocks first (i.e., their assholes) tend to not only be the unbelievably lazy types, but those unbelievably bitter lazy types (i.e. assholes) who shout out unimaginably obscene profanities at everyone! If you dry your ass first after showering, you are very good at opening beer and soda bottles and that’s about it.

11. Dry Genitals First
Those who dry their genitals first after showering are sluts. And nothing but sluts. Ideal careers for those who dry their genitals first after showering include hooker, whore, and slut. If you dry your genitals first after a typical shower, you’re a slut.

12. Dry Legs First
Those who dry their legs first after showering are the best people. They’re the smartest, the most attractive with all the “right parts” in all the “right places,” tons of fun even during church service and natural disasters, and by far the most likely to win all the major competitions (break-dancing contests, mayoral elections, Employee of the Month, the Oscars, cherry-pit-spit champ, Nobel Prize, Pictionary Queen, and so forth.) The other types envy leg-dryers which is understandable, but the envy is so extreme that — unless they are receiving immense pleasure from a leg-dryer — the other types want to push leg-dryers into a vat of corrosive chemicals to dissolve them. Leg-dryers are too brilliant to let them, of course. The only drawback with those who dry their legs first after showering is that all the other types keep breeding, so they’re not the only ones left on the planet. Notable leg-first-dryers include Abraham Lincoln, Jenna Jameson, Mother Teresa, Buster Guru, Martin Luther King, Bruce Lee, Jesus, and Angelina Jolie (Brad Pitt is a boobs-first type — surprising only to those who don’t know him personally.) Ideal careers for legs-firsters include President, King or Queen, Champ, World-Famous Guru, yard sales, Hero, and Employee of This Decade and the Next.

13. Dry Feet First
People who dry their feet first after showering are weighed down in their lives by monumental guilt, yet they keep doing the same dumb ass things provoking that guilt… including sick, twisted, and illegal things involving corpses, ponies, and the like. While others may have played a role, feet-dryers are generally most responsible for everything that goes seriously wrong anywhere. However, if you’re a dominant dry-your-face-first-after-showering type who wants to “own” someone and make them do the kinkiest things in bed, a dry-feet-first type is definitely for you (or a dry-genitals-first type, of course). The feet-dryers do tend to have nice manners, are excellent at commenting on the weather, love apologizing and gardening, and drive Toyotas. They have nice feet. Ideal careers for those who dry their feet first include postal worker, rock band groupie, bank teller, geologist, priest, and gym teacher. If you dry your feet first after a typical shower, you should be ashamed of yourself for what you are doing… and you know exactly what I am talking about.

And there you have it! YES, if you’re wondering, studies have shown this body-part-dry-first-after-showering method (or “BPDFAS Method”) is far more accurate in pigeon-holing people into personality types than Briggs Myers and the other psychology tests, than skin color, than what kind of car they drive, or even their Zodiac sign!

So save this page, share it with friends and family and exes and others who can benefit, and USE it… use it to reliably learn what type of adult your little one is going to grow up to be, for example, and use it by posting your Body-Part-Dry-First-After-Showering Status (or “BPDFAS Status”) on your facebook or twitter profile (and be sure to ask others their status too… remember those Genitals-First types are “sure things”)

But however you choose to use it, be sure to use it responsibly… and happy drying!

– Buster Guru